Going to the beach front in Africa is a colourful experience. This budding entrepreneur has invested in a neat portable home with sea views.
Archive for the ‘South African’ Category
African Portable Home
Sunday, July 25th, 2010Stupid questions about South Africa
Monday, March 30th, 2009
Questions about South Africa were posted on a South African Tourism Website and were answered by the website owner.
Q: Does it ever get windy in South Africa? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
Q: Will I be able to see elephants in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you’ve been drinking or sniffing.
Q: I want to walk from Durban to Cape Town - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it’s only two thousand kilometres. Take lots of water.
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in South Africa? (Sweden)
A: So it’s true what they say about Swedes.
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in South Africa? Can you send me a list of them in JHB, Cape Town, Knysna and Jeffrey’s Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about Koala Bear racing in South Africa? (USA)
A: Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific. A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe which does not… oh forget it. Sure, the Koala Bear racing is every Tuesday night in Hillbrow. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is north in South Africa? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get there and we’ll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into South Africa? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is. oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Hillbrow, straight after the Koala Bear races. Come naked.
Q: Do you have perfume in South Africa? (France)
A: No, WE don’t stink.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in South Africa? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Can you tell me the regions in South Africa where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in South Africa? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.
Q: Are there killer bees in South Africa? (Germany)
A: Not yet, but for you, we’ll import them.
Q: Are there supermarkets in Cape Town and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter-gatherers. Milk is illegal
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in South Africa who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-me-ri-ca, which is where YOU come from. All South African snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets. Good examples of snakes as pets are mambas (both green and black), rinkhals and municipal workers.
Q: I was in South Africa in 1969, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Hillbrow. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you’ll have to learn it first.
Drinking with van der Merwe’s daughter
Monday, March 16th, 2009
A Zimbabwean, a Nigerian, and van der Merwe’s daughter are in the same bar.
When the Zimbabwean finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, ‘In Zimbabwe, our glasses are so cheap we don’t need to drink with the same one twice.’
The Nigerian, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, ‘In Nigeria, we have so much stolen money to make glasses that we don’t need to drink with the same one twice either.’
Van der Merwe’s daughter, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Zimbabwean and the Nigerian. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says, ‘In South Africa we have so many illegal aliens that we don’t have to drink with the same ones twice.’
You are proudly South African when…
Monday, July 21st, 2008
You produce a R100 note instead of your drivers licence when stopped by a traffic officer.
You can do your monthly shopping on the pavement.
You have to hire a security guard whenever you park your car.
You can count the national soccer team’s scores with no fingers.
To get free electricity you have to pay a connection fee of R750
Hijacking cars is a profession.
You can pay your tuition fees by holding up a sign at a traffic light
The petrol in your tank may be worth more than your car.
More people vote in a local reality TV show than in a local election.
People have the most wonderful names:
- Christmas
- Goodwill
- Pretty
- Wednesday
- Blessing
- Brilliant
- Gift
- Given
Now now can mean anything from a minute to a month!
You continue to wait after a traffic light has turned to green to make way for taxis travelling in the opposite direction.
Travelling at 120 km/h you’re the slowest vehicle on the highway.
You’re genuinely and pleasantly surprised whenever you find your car parked where you left it.
The last time you visited the coast you paid more in speeding fines and toll fees than you did for the entire holiday.
You paint your cars registration on the roof.
Half your mail is guaranteed to reach its destination.
You have to take your own linen with you if you are admitted to a government hospital.
You dial a toll free number and nobody answers.
You have to prove that you don’t need a loan to get one.
Prisoners go on strike.
