Posts Tagged ‘girl’

How to become a jock

Monday, April 11th, 2011

Although most would deny it, becoming a jock is on the top of everybody’s to do list. Most are just too lazy to follow through. If, however, you’ve decided enough is enough, this list of essentials on how to become a jock will help you achieve your goal.

 

Step 1

Make sure you have a gym contract. Go to the gym once or twice a week and pretend to work out. A little sweat is recommended for full effectiveness. If you are too lazy to work one up, take a walk passed the water fountain and splash some water onto yourself.

 

Step 2

Catch a tan. Nobody believes a ripped guy is a jock if he’s paler then St Teresa. Go to the beach. This is the perfect spot to show off your jock skills and get a tan. Pull out a ball, and kick it to a jock friend at short distances. This will ensure you don’t do anything stupid like drop the ball. All the girls will be watching, so pull out that perfect smile every now and again.

 

Step 3

Regardless of how ripped you are, or how few muscles you have, a shirtless Facebook profile picture is essential. Make sure you look completely disinterested in life and stare the camera down. Add in a branded ball for effect. If you really want to go all out, get a jock friend to snap a picture of you playing a sport.

 

Step 4

Talk regularly about your gyming and sporting exploits. Make sure to emphasise how difficult the activity was and then add that it was a breeze for you. Be careful not to overdo this step as it may cause girls with brains to evacuate faster than an overthrown dictator.

 

Step 5

Use words like bro, naught, and chick, regularly.

 

Step 6

If you aren’t keen on being an overweight jock, then exercise will become essential. If you do any form of exercise ensure it is shirtless and that you are wearing branded sportswear.

 

That’s it. Follow those 6 simple steps and you’re on your way to becoming a jock and scoring the girl. You’re welcome.

What God Can Do With “57 Cents”

Friday, February 27th, 2009

CentsA sobbing little girl stood near a small church from which she had been turned away because it was “too crowded.”

“I can’t go to Sunday School,” she sobbed to the pastor as he walked by.
Seeing her shabby, unkempt appearance, the pastor guessed the reason and, taking her by the hand, took her inside and found a place for her in the Sunday school class. The child was so happy that they found room for her, and she went to bed that night thinking of the children who have no place to worship Jesus.

Some two years later, this child lay dead in one of the poor tenement buildings. Her parents called for the kind hearted pastor who had befriended their daughter to handle the final arrangements.

As her poor little body was being moved, a worn and crumpled red purse was found which seemed to have been rummaged from some trash dump.
Inside was found 57 cents and a note, scribbled in childish handwriting, which read: “This is to help build the little church bigger so more children can go to Sunday School.”

For two years she had saved for this offering of love.  When the pastor tearfully read that note, he knew instantly what he would do. Carrying this note and the cracked, red pocketbook to the pulpit, he told the story of her unselfish love and devotion.

He challenged his deacons to get busy and raise enough money for the larger building.

A newspaper learned of the story and published it. It was read by a wealthy realtor who offered them a parcel of land worth many thousands.
When told that the church could not pay so much, he offered to sell it to the little church for 57 cents.

Church members made large donations. Checks came from far and wide.
Within five years the little girl’s gift had increased to $250,000.00–a huge sum for that time (near the turn of the century). Her unselfish love had paid large dividends.

When you are in the city of Philadelphia, look up Temple Baptist Church, with a seating capacity of 3,300. And be sure to visit Temple University, where thousands of students are educated.

Have a look, too, at the Good Samaritan Hospital and at a Sunday School building which houses hundreds of beautiful children, built so that no child in the area will ever need to be left outside during Sunday School time.

In one of the rooms of this building may be seen the picture of the sweet face of the little girl whose 57 cents, so sacrificially saved, made such remarkable history. Alongside of it is a portrait of her kind pastor, Dr. Russel H. Conwell, author of the book, “Acres of Diamonds”

This is a true story, which goes to show WHAT GOD CAN DO WITH 57 CENTS.

Life, Love and Sliced Cheese

Friday, March 21st, 2008

Life, Love and Sliced CheeseThe rain poured down the glass as James sat reading in his chair. He was reading his favourite book, the only book he had ever read and he had read it more than twenty seven times. His parents were out shopping for groceries and he had opted to stay.

He had nobody to take to the annual dance and he was drowning his sorrows in cheese. Cheese was one of the most satisfying tastes to James’ selective palette which cautiously stayed away from exotic foods and stuck to burgers, noodles and of course, cheese. James was no couch potatoes though. He played soccer and cricket, and was one of the school’s top basketball players.
The phone rang and James put down his book. He sighed heavily as he picked it up.

“This is James.”
“Hey James, how are you?”
“Sup Alex? I’m O.K.”
“I heard about you and Sam, bummer man. What happened?”
“Oh, she said she couldn’t keep up with me, that I was too friendly with other girls and stuff.”
“What’s wrong with having a few good friends that are girls?”
“She was super jealous. I’m over her, although it is sad.”
“Well, are you coming to youth tonight?”
“I suppose it would be good to get out. I’ll see you then.”
“Cool, see ya.”

James put the phone down slowly. It wasn’t cool being let down but he knew he needed to get out and get over it. Life goes on. Besides he had so much to be thankful for. He had a quick shower and got dressed.

Alex met him at youth. The place was packed with teens and tweens. They met up with some other friends and James began to feel better already. That was when he saw her. She was standing in a group just a few meters away. Her hair was a golden brown, long and silky as it fell behind her ears and half way down her back. Her eyes were a stunning sky blue lighting up as she spoke excitedly to her friends. She turned her head and saw James. She smiled, her perfectly white teeth just exposing themselves between her gorgeous lips. James gulped. She turned back to her friend and she giggled.

She said something to her friends and walked towards James. His heart skipped a beat.
“Hi, I’m Storm.”
“Um…, hi.” She giggled again, her nose wrinkled up in the cutest way, James thought.
“I couldn’t help seeing you stare at me.”
“Sorry about that… I’m James.”
“Nice to meet you James, do you want to join me for a soda?”
“Soda?”
“Yes James, a cool drink.”

How could somebody so beautiful be so sweet? James nodded slowly and walked with her towards the tuck shop. His friends watched him leave, whispering among themselves. He asked what she wanted, and she replied with a Fanta. That was James’ favourite drink. They spoke for a while and he couldn’t believe how much they had in common.

The youth leaders called everybody inside and praise and worship began. James was fascinated by Storm’s love for Jesus. She danced and worshiped him with all her heart. James was falling for her in a big way. The youth pastor spoke on friendship and how Jesus wanted to be their ultimate friend. Storm’s laugh was contagious and every joke that she laughed at got the entire building laughing.

After the meeting they walked outside together. James looked at her and smiled.

“I think I really like you Storm,” She smiled again making James’ heart race, “Will you come with me to my schools annual dance?”
“I would love to James.”
“How about movies tomorrow night?”
“What time will you pick me up?”
“Six, we can see the eight thirty show.”
“I’ll see you then”

She lent forward and kissed him softly on the cheek. James stood, glued to the spot watching her get into her parent’s car. She waved and he waved back. When James got home he raced to the fridge. He pulled open the door and grabbed a piece of sliced cheese. He kissed it and smiled. Life was good!