Posts Tagged ‘joke’
Tuesday, August 18th, 2009
It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.
A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts – your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it’s the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.
Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.
Tags: alien, any, brain, building, credit card, damage, dancing, detective, dinosaurs, duty, electric fence, hairspray, joke, laptop, learn, lessons, lock, Movies, park, pick, police, street, suspended, television, things we have learnt
Posted in Blog, Jokes, One Liners | View Comments
Thursday, March 26th, 2009
A lawyer, a doctor, and a redneck were driving through the desert when they suddenly ran out of gas. They all decided to start walking to the nearest town (which they had passed 50 miles back) to get some help.
A rancher was sitting on his front porch that evening when he saw the lawyer top the horizon and walk toward him. The rancher noticed that the lawyer was carrying a glass of water, so when he was within hearing distance, the rancher said, “Hi there…what are you doing carrying a glass of water through the desert?”
The lawyer explained his predicament and explained that since he had a long way to go, he might get thirsty, so that’s why he was carrying the water.
A little while later the rancher noticed the doctor walking toward him with a loaf of bread in his hand. “What are you doing?” asked the rancher again.
As before, the doctor explained the situation and said that since he had a long way to go, he might get hungry and that’s why he had the bread.
Finally the redneck appeared, dragging a car door through the sand. More curious than ever, the rancher asked, “Hey, why are you dragging that car door?”
“Well,” said the redneck, “I have a long way to go, so if it gets too hot, I’ll roll down the window.”
Tags: bread, car door, curious, desert, doctor, funny, gas, glass, hot, hungry, joke, lawyer, loaf, rancher, redneck, thirsty, town, water, window
Posted in Blog, Jokes, Stupid People | View Comments
Monday, March 16th, 2009
A Zimbabwean, a Nigerian, and van der Merwe’s daughter are in the same bar.
When the Zimbabwean finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, ‘In Zimbabwe, our glasses are so cheap we don’t need to drink with the same one twice.’
The Nigerian, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, ‘In Nigeria, we have so much stolen money to make glasses that we don’t need to drink with the same one twice either.’
Van der Merwe’s daughter, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Zimbabwean and the Nigerian. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says, ‘In South Africa we have so many illegal aliens that we don’t have to drink with the same ones twice.’
Tags: 45, air, ak-47, aliens, bar, cheap, cucumber, daughter, drink, glass, gun, illegal, joke, kill, money, Nigerian, pistol, refill, shoot, South Africa, stolen, van der Merwe, violent, Zimbabwean
Posted in Blog, Jokes, South African | View Comments
Saturday, February 28th, 2009
A woman goes to her boyfriend’s parents’ house for Christmas dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart.
It wasn’t loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend’s father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman’s chair, and said in a rather stern voice, “Skippy!”
The woman thought, “This is great!” and a big smile came across her face. A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn’t even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer rrrriiip. The father again looked and the dog and yelled, “Dammit Skippy!”
Once again the woman smiled and thought “Yes!” This time she didn’t even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing. Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, Dammit Skippy, get away from her, before she uses you as a toilet!”
Tags: boyfriend, broccoli, casserole, chair, christmas dinner, discomfort, dog, fart, farting, father, girlfriend, joke, let it out, meal, nervous, skippy, table, toilet
Posted in Animals, Blog, Jokes | View Comments
Wednesday, February 18th, 2009
Sometimes when you are angry with someone, it helps to sit down and think about the problem.
Tags: anger, cat, cute, dog, e-mail, funny, humorous, joke, kitten, laughter, light relief, mad, picture, problem, puppy, silver bowl, sit down, sitting, squashed, think
Posted in Animals, Blog, Jokes | View Comments