“Well this day was a total waste of make-up”
“Well, aren’t we a ray of sunshine?”
“Don’t bother me; I’m living happily ever after.”
“I started out with nothing still have most of it left”
“I pretend to work, they pretend to pay me”
“YOU!!… off my planet!!!”
“Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble plastic is cheap. You choose”
“Practice random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of Self-control”
“Errors have been made. Others will be blamed”
“I’m not crazy. I’ve been in a very bad mood for 30 years.”
“Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.”
“Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed”
“Do they ever shut up on your planet?”
“Stress is when you wake up screaming and realize you haven’t gone to sleep yet”
“Back off!! You’re standing in my aura.”
“Don’t worry. I forgot your name too.”
“I work 45 hours a week to be this poor.”
“Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it.”
“Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.”
“Wait…I’m trying to imagine you with a personality”
“Chaos, panic and disorder . . . my work here is done.”
“Earth is full. Go home.”
“Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?”
“I’m not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.”
“You are depriving some village of an idiot.”
Two old guys, Abe and Sol, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, like they do every day. Abe turns to Sol and says, “Do you think there’s baseball in heaven?”
Last month, National University of Lesotho scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.
Had to sit down while urinating.
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry.
