Posts Tagged ‘rain’

Stupid questions about South Africa

Monday, March 30th, 2009

South AfricaQuestions about South Africa were posted on a South African Tourism Website and were answered by the website owner.

Q: Does it ever get windy in South Africa? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see elephants in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you’ve been drinking or sniffing.

Q: I want to walk from Durban to Cape Town - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it’s only two thousand kilometres. Take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in South Africa? (Sweden)

A: So it’s true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in South Africa? Can you send me a list of them in JHB, Cape Town, Knysna and Jeffrey’s Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about Koala Bear racing in South Africa? (USA)
A: Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific. A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe which does not… oh forget it. Sure, the Koala Bear racing is every Tuesday night in Hillbrow. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is north in South Africa? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get there and we’ll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into South Africa? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is. oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Hillbrow, straight after the Koala Bear races. Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in South Africa? (France)
A: No, WE don’t stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in South Africa? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in South Africa where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in South Africa? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.

Q: Are there killer bees in South Africa? (Germany)
A: Not yet, but for you, we’ll import them.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Cape Town and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter-gatherers. Milk is illegal

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in South Africa who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-me-ri-ca, which is where YOU come from. All South African snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets. Good examples of snakes as pets are mambas (both green and black), rinkhals and municipal workers.

Q: I was in South Africa in 1969, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Hillbrow. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you’ll have to learn it first.

Cricket Chirpometer

Sunday, September 14th, 2008

CricketSince the start of September, we’ve had four days where the temperature has been 30˚C and above. Quite clearly, we are moving into summer. On that note, here’s a little something to impress your friends with.

Most normal people decide what to wear by listening to the weather forecast on either the radio, or TV news channels. If you happen to be an un-normal person, you have a number of options available to you.

Firstly, you need to decide whether it’s going to rain or not. Take a look at any cows that happen to be situated on the side of the road or in your neighbor’s garden (Trust me, this happens). Now, the theory is that cows don’t like to get their bottoms wet, so, if they are sitting down, get out your raincoat and umbrella.

If your immediate vicinity is cowless, you could try looking at the grass for spider webs. The more spider webs there are, the more chance there is of rain. Thirdly (but don’t ask me how they figure this one out), scientists say that if there are dark clouds in the sky, there is a good chance it will rain. I disagree completely and prefer to use cows and spiders.

CowLet us take an average everyday scenario in the good suburban area of New Germany, Durban, South Africa. You get up in the morning, and need to decide what to wear (note, most guys normally wear the first thing that falls out of their cupboard). So, you take a little walk outside and observe your immediate surroundings. You notice that there are a few clouds in the sky, but since you don’t believe in that science rubbish, you discard that piece of information. You look at the grass on your lawn, and see two, maybe three spider webs. You look over your wall, and the cow across the road is standing firmly on all four legs. You therefore deduce that the best thing to wear would be your shirt and baggies. One piece of the pie is missing. What is the temperature?

Normal people use classic mercury thermometers to determine the temperature, but not you! No, you’re different. You use crickets. Crickets are those little insects that sit in the grass rubbing their legs together – known as chirping. This, most people know. What most people don’t know is that the rate a cricket chirps is directly proportional to the temperature outside. Which is, basically, geek speak for the hotter it is, the quicker they’ll chirp!

So, the formula is simple. You count how many times any single cricket chirps in 5 seconds. Then, you multiply that amount by 1.7. Finally, you add on 17.2, and you have the current temperature in degrees Celsius. So, for example, 2 chirps in 5 seconds, means the temperature is approximately 20.6˚C, and 5 chirps means its roughly 25.7˚!

Happy Spring time!!

Graham van Rensburg

The Tract

Saturday, August 2nd, 2008

Young boyA true story…

Every Sunday afternoon, after the morning service at their church, the Pastor and his eleven year old son would go into their town and hand out Gospel Tracts. This particular Sunday afternoon, as it came time for the Pastor and his son to go to the streets with their tracts, it was very cold outside as well as pouring down rain.

The boy bundled up in his warmest and driest clothes and said, “OK dad, I’m ready.” His Pastor dad asked, “Ready for what?” “Dad, it’s time we gather our tracts together and go out.” Dad responds, “Son, it’s very cold outside and it’s pouring down rain.” The boy gives his dad a surprised look, asking, “But dad,aren’t People still going to Hell, even though it’s raining? ” Dad answers, “Son, I am not going out in this weather.” Despondently the boy asks, “Dad, can I go please? ” His father hesitated for a moment then said, “Son, you can go. Here’s the tracts; be careful son.” “Thanks Dad!” And with that he was off and out into the rain. This eleven year old boy walked the streets of the town going door to door and handing everybody he met in the street a Gospel Tract.

After 2 hours of walking in the rain he was bone soaking, chilled wet and down to his VERY LAST TRACT. He stopped on a corner and looked for someone to hand a tract to but the streets were totally deserted. Then he turned toward the first home he saw and started up the sidewalk to the front door and rang the door bell. He rang the bell, but nobody answered. He rang it again and again but still no one answered. He waited there was still no answer. Finally this eleven year old trooper turned to leave but something stopped him. Again, he turned to the door and rang the bell and knocked loudly on the door with his fist. He waited, something holding him there on the front porch.

He rang again, and this time the door slowly opened. Standing in the doorway was a very sad looking elderly lady. She softly asked, “What can I do for you son? ” With radiant eyes and a smile that lit up her world this little boy said, “Mam, I’m sorry if I disturbed you, but I just want to tell you that JESUS REALLY DOES LOVE YOU, and I came to give you my very last Gospel Tract which will tell you all about JESUS and His great LOVE.” With that he handed her his last tract, and turned to leave. She called to him as he departed, “Thank you son! And God Bless You!”

Well, the following Sunday Morning in Church, the Pastor Dad was in the Pulpit and as the service began he asked, “Does anybody have a testimony or want to say anything?” Slowly, in the back row of the Church, an elderly lady stood to her feet. As she began to speak a look of glorious radiance came from her face as she said, “None of you in this church know me. I’ve never been here before. You see, before last Sunday I was not a Christian. My husband has passed on, some time ago, leaving me totally alone in this world. Last Sunday, being a particularly cold and rainy day, It was even more so in my heart as I came to the end of the line where I no longer had any hope or will to live. So I took a rope and a chair and ascended the stairway into the attic of my home. I fastened the rope securely to a rafter in the roof then stood on the chair and fastened the other end of the rope around my neck.

Standing on that chair, so lonely and brokenhearted, I was about to leap off when suddenly the loud ringing of my doorbell downstairs startled me. I thought, “I’ll wait a minute, and whoever it is will go away.’ I waited and waited, but the ringing doorbell seemed to get louder and more insistent and then the person ringing also started knocking loudly. I thought to myself again, ‘Who on earth could this be? Nobody ever rings my bell or comes to see me.” I loosened the rope from my neck and started for the front door, all the while the Bell rang louder and louder. When I opened the door and looked I could hardly believe my eyes for there on my front porch was the most radiant and Angelic little boy I had ever seen in my life. His SMILE, Oh, I could never describe it to you ! And the Words that came from his mouth caused my Heart, that had long been dead, TO LEAP TO LIFE as he exclaimed with cherub like voice, ‘Mam, I just came to tell you that JESUS REALLY DOES LOVE YOU.’ Then he gave me this Gospel Tract that I now hold in my hand. As the little Angel disappeared back out, into the cold and rain, I closed my door and read slowly every word of this Gospel Tract. Then I went up to my attic to get my rope and chair. I wouldn’t be needing them anymore.

You see, I am now a Happy Child of the King, and since the address of your Church was on the back of this Gospel Track I have come here to personally say THANK YOU TO GOD’S LITTLE ANGEL WHO CAME JUST IN THE NICK OF TIME AND, BY SO DOING, SPARED MY SOUL FROM ETERNITY IN HELL.” There were now no dry eyes in the Church. And as Shouts of Praise, and Honor to THE KING, resounded off the very rafters of the building, Pastor Dad descended from the pulpit to the front pew where the little Angel was seated; He took him in his arms and sobbed uncontrollably. Probably no Church has had a more glorious moment. And probably this Universe has never seen a Papa that was more filled with love and honor for his son— EXCEPT for one—this FATHER also allowed His Son to go out into a Cold and Dark World. He received His Son back with Joy unspeakable, and as all of Heaven Shouted Praises and Honor to THE KING. THE FATHER sat HIS BELOVED SON on a Throne far above all Principality Power….and every name that is named….